China Follows Moon-Crash With Exhale Ban, River-PavingChina Follows Moon-Crash With Exhale Ban, River-Paving

Following its deliberate crash of a lunar probe into the moon to gain experience with lunar landings, China is reportedly planning to ban humans from exhaling in order to gain experience with lower carbon dioxide levels. And it has been learned that as a third phase in its novel string of experiments, China is reportedly planning to fill its primary rivers with concrete to gain experience in driving trucks on water. Can these two followups really be true?In the interests of full disclosure, only the first of these three innovative exploits -- the crashing of a lunar satellite into the moon to gain experience in landing a lunar satellite -- could be confirmed. My colleague K.C. Jones reported yesterday in information.com, "The deliberate crash of the lunar satellite aimed to give China experience for a moon landing in two years and eventual launch of an unmanned lunar rover, according to the report."

The other two alleged experiments -- banning breathing in order to gain experience with breathing's effects, and filling rivers with concrete to gain experience with driving on water -- could not be confirmed by sources familiar or unfamiliar with the plans. In fact, many people doubt the existence of these two latter plans at all, but no officials would confirm on the record that the plans don't exist. But they also wouldn't confirm that they do exist (I think).

One government source (who, by the way, would not reveal which government he works for) said the apparent paradoxes in such experiments are intended to throw off other governments attempting to figure out what the Chinese might be up to.

"Let's just say," this source said, "that the Chinese wanted to land a probe on the moon in two years -- well, the obvious thing to do right now would be to attempt a test-landing. But by deliberately crashing the satellite into the moon, the Chinese have launched a brilliant diversion that has other space-race competitors scratching their heads and wondering what in the devil China is up to."

The source, who for reasons of national security insisted on speaking to this reporter via tin cans attached by string while wearing false eyebrows, said, "The moon-crash thing itself was brilliant, but the true stroke of global-subterfuge genius was China's decision to follow the "planned" wipeout of the satellite with those other two head-fakes. So right now the French, instead of wondering what the heck happened to that Chinese satellite, are thinking, 'Gee, we certainly don't want to fall behind in carbon-dioxide policies, so perhaps we, too, should ban humans from exhaling and back-date the announcement to say we invented this idea before the Chinese. And, if we start filling the Seine with concrete tomorrow, then by the time those annoying tourists start to overcrowd Paris in the spring, we'll have another 16 lanes of roadways to handle all the traffic.' "

Asked if he could provide any proof of the existence of these claims that some might find a bit preposterous, the source said, "You've got a lotta nerve telling me these Chinese plans are outlandish -- after all, your country has just promised to mothball the space-shuttle program while simultaneously increasing its ownership stake in banks and insurance companies and car companies as it hammers the energy industry. Who knows what crazy idea you'll come up with next -- maybe something like penalizing companies that do IT business with India?"

And that's when I knew he was playing me -- after all, I'm not as dumb as I look. Sure, I swallowed the stuff about moon crashes and exhale-banning and river-filling, and why not? Those are all reasonable, rational plans. But I knew he was nothing but a joker when he said the United States would establish trade policies that alienate our friends and business partners in India -- because that's an out-of-this-world idea that makes crashing a satellite into the moon seem brilliant.

Don't believe everything you read, folks.